Get Away!

I had a huge picture of my mother-in-law hanging on the refrigerator. When my friend Tom came over and saw the picture, he asked me, “You really like her that much?” I replied, “No, I’m just trying to keep the kids away!”

Millionaire Joke

A 70-year-old millionaire got married to a 25-year-old pretty girl. His friend asked him, “How did you do that? How much did it cost you?” He replied, “Nothing, I told her I was 95!”

FUNNY

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"

One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher

25 Cent Football Joke

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterwards, he asked her how she liked the game.  “I liked it, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents,” She said.  “What do you mean?” he asked.  “Well, everyone kept yelling, “Get the quarter back!’”

Homeless Man Joke

A man walks out of a bar and sees a homeless man on the corner. And the homeless man says, “Sir, can you spare a buck?” The man thinks about the question for a bit and asks, “If I give you a buck, are you going to use it to buy a beer or vodka?” “No, he replies.” The man then asks, “If I give you a buck are you going to gamble it away?” “No, he replies.” So the man says, “Come with me and I’ll give you the buck.”  He takes the homeless man home and tells his wife , “See what happens to people who don’t drink or gamble?”

Insurance Joke

When I bought my new car, I called my insurance broker to fill out a new application. He asked me if I have any traffic accidents on my record? I replied,” no, except someone once hit me!” So he snaps, “well that’s a accident!” I snap back, “no, the guy did it on purpose!!!”

Learners Permit Joke

My 16 year old son was getting his permit, so I kept telling him, “remember, when you get into your car with friends do not start driving until everyone is strapped in.” He kept on asking me to repeat it, so finally I asked him, “ why do you need it repeated so many times?” “Don’t worry” he replied, “I just love hearing the words ‘your car’! “

Basketball Joke

As I was wheeling this guy into the operating room, I could tell he was really out of it. I asked him if he knew the day of the week. He didn’t. ” Well maybe you know what season it is?” He looked at me. “Basketball?

X - Ray Machine joke

I work in a hospital giving tours to children. One day a group of kindergarten kids came in for a tour, I showed them the x-ray machines and asked them if they ever had broke a bone? One little boy raised his hand, “I did!” “Did it hurt?” I asked. “No!” She replied. “Wow, you must be a very brave girl! Which bone did you break?” I asked. “My sisters arm!”

Broken Finger Joke

Little Jackie complained non-stop from pain. His desperate mother took him to see his doctor. “What is hurting him?” the doctor asked her. “Just help him,” she replied, “he hurts all over!” “What do you mean, all over?” asked the doctor, “be a little more specific. “The women touched her son’s left knee with his index finger and her son yelled, “Ow, that hurts!”  Then she touched his right eye and again he yelled, “Ouch! That hurts, too. Then she touched his nose with his finger and again he cried in pain. The doctor thought for a moment and told the poor mother her little son’s diagnosis, “he has a broken finger!”

Old man joke

As a doctor for older people I thought I had heard it all until one day a older fella walked in and told me he has big problems. So I told him not to worry about a thing, I said let me guess, “You’re having problems peeing in the morning?” “No,” he replied. ” I do it like clock work, every morning at 9 o’clock.” “OK, so it must be you’re having trouble with the bowel movements?” I questioned. ” No,” he tells me. ” I do it every morning at 9:30 like clock work.” So I said, “alright, you stumped me.” He tells me, “the problem is I sleep till 10!!!”

What if?

THAT'S AWSOME!!

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What a good son!!

An old farmer wrote a letter 2 his innocent son in prison:
"This year I'm unable 2 plant potatoes because I can't dig the ground. I know if u were here u would've helped me."
Son Replied: "U idiot, don't dig the ground, I hid the guns there." 
Police read the letter, next day the ground was dug by the police, searched for guns but nothing was found. 
Son wrote again: "now plant your potatoes dad, its the best I could do from here.
"Where there's a Will, there's a Way"

SO TRUE!

FUNNY

A Sunday school teacher asked the children in her class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?"

"No!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?"

Again the answer was "No!"

"Well", she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

STUPID TEACHER

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I". 
Student: I is the... 
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I". 
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

FOLLOW ME

The policeman had the bar under surveillance a few minutes before closing time, so he could see who comes out drunk.
The first one out the door at 2:00 o'clock weaved down the sidewalk, then fell on the curb. Sluggishly got up, then tried his keys in five cars before finding his own car.
Once inside his car, he fumbled with his keys for 2 or 3 minutes.
Meanwhile, all the club patrons had gotten into their cars and driven away, leaving this one fellow quite alone in the parking lot.
Finally, he got his car started and began to very slowly drive away.
Immediately, the police car was behind him with lights flashing.
The policeman asked the man to take a breathalyser test, to which he readily agreed.
When the reading was 0.0%, the policeman said, "How can this be?"
To which the man replied, "Because tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

THAT'S ONE SMART WIDOW

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!" she had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.

Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."

She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did, " said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check." 

CAUGHT SPEEDING JOKE

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying jerk told you I was speeding too.

WHAT A JERK!

A man was at a grave yard.

He began to moan "Why did you die oh why did you have to die?"

A passer by knelt down next to the man and said "Was this person very close to you?"

"No, actually i never met him!" replied the man
"Why are you moaning then?" asked the passer-by coursously.
"He was my wife's first husband!"

OBVIOUS

This man was talking to a group of men at a bar and he said, "In my house I am the boss, I say when the laundry is done and when the cooking is made and when the dishes are washed." 
One of the guys at the table said, "How long have you been married?" 
The man says, "Oh I'm not married I'm single!"

THAT IS NOT FAIR.

A french fry walks into the bar and says to the bartender "Hay , could I get a beer please" 
The barthened looks at him shacking his head and say "No, we don't serve food here"

FUNNY HEADLINE - Tired Gay succumbs to Dix in 200 meters

SMART KIDS

One day two boys were walking through the woods when the boys come upon some rabbit droppings.

"Whats that?" says the first boy.

"There smart pills." says the second boy, "If you eat them you become smarter."

So the first boy picks one up and eats it. Then quickly spits it back out and yells "IT TASTE LIKE SHIT!"

"See your getting smater already." replied the second boy.

FISH SAID WHAT?

What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?

DAMN!

TENNIS IS A SISSY SPORT.

Why hunting is not a sport!

Funny Bus Joke

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the back of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
”The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
You're right," She said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a great idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."