ENOUGH SAID!! I WANT ONE!!

Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?

A: Missletoe!

SO TRUE!!!

YO MAMA'S

Yo mama's so fat when she steps on a scale, it reads "one at a time, please"!

YO MAMA'S SO FAT

Yo mama's so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets!

YO MOMMA SO FAT

Yo mama's so fat she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"

Yo mama's so fat when her beeper goes off, people think she is backing up!

Valentines day joke

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".

Clueless joke

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I’ll bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he answered as if he was offended, and left for the office.

At 10:00 a.m., the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1:00 p.m., a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates was delivered. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed. 

"I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!

Need A Bad Day to Get Into Heaven - JOKE

It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

TECHNOLOGY THESE DAYS!

HAHAHA!!!!!!

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ? Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.

MOOD RING JOKE

I bought my wife a mood ring the other day. When she’s in a good mood, it turns green. When she’s in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on my forehead!

UH OH! THE DOC SAID WHAT?

I want the one second from the left. What a bargain!!

Canadian Side of Mt. Rushmore

O CRAP!!!!!

Funny Proposal Joke


Peter took his new girlfriend to a football game. The young couple found seats in the crowded stadium and were watching the action. When the quarterback entered the game, the boy said to his girlfriend, “Take a good look at that fellow. I expect him to be our best man next year.” His girlfriend snuggled closer to him and said, “That’s the strangest way I ever heard of for a guy to propose to a girl. But, I accept!”

Ice Fishing Joke

One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice said, "There are no fish down there."
He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."
He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."
He looked up into the sky and asked, "God, is that you?"
"No, you idiot," the voice said, "it's the rink manager."

Golf Joke

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?" "Yes," the golfer responded. "Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" the cop asked. "Yes, I did. How did you know?" the golfer asked. "Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?" The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

Blonde Golf Joke

Two young blonde women were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one ball about three feet from the cup, while the other ball somehow had gone directly in. The blondes tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling. After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions the pro asked, "Okay, so who was playing the yellow ball?"

HAHAHA!!!

A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have a talk with him. "I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always lose control at the same point in every game." "When is that?" "Right after the National Anthem."

Football joke

The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. "Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. "Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?" The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

Superbowl Joke

A guy named Joe receives a free ticket to the SuperBowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Joe arrives at the stadium, he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium, he's closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Joe sees through his binoculars an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yardline.

He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, Joe asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"

The man says "No."

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Joe again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl and not use it?!"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first SuperBowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad," said Joe, "but still, you couldn't find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?" "No," the man replies, "They're all at the funeral." 

Funny Microsoft joke

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy "Hey, where am I? To this, the solitary office worker replies "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct, but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just a while away."

Top 45 Oxymoron's

45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline Food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works

Little Johnny came downstairs bellowing lustily. His mother asked, "What's the matter now?" "Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with a hammer," said Johnny through his tears. "That's not so serious," soothed his mother. "I know you're upset, but a big boy like you shouldn't cry at something like that. Why didn't you just laugh?" "I did!" sobbed Johnny.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Pay up!

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."

Get Away!

I had a huge picture of my mother-in-law hanging on the refrigerator. When my friend Tom came over and saw the picture, he asked me, “You really like her that much?” I replied, “No, I’m just trying to keep the kids away!”

Millionaire Joke

A 70-year-old millionaire got married to a 25-year-old pretty girl. His friend asked him, “How did you do that? How much did it cost you?” He replied, “Nothing, I told her I was 95!”

FUNNY

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"

One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher

25 Cent Football Joke

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterwards, he asked her how she liked the game.  “I liked it, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents,” She said.  “What do you mean?” he asked.  “Well, everyone kept yelling, “Get the quarter back!’”

Homeless Man Joke

A man walks out of a bar and sees a homeless man on the corner. And the homeless man says, “Sir, can you spare a buck?” The man thinks about the question for a bit and asks, “If I give you a buck, are you going to use it to buy a beer or vodka?” “No, he replies.” The man then asks, “If I give you a buck are you going to gamble it away?” “No, he replies.” So the man says, “Come with me and I’ll give you the buck.”  He takes the homeless man home and tells his wife , “See what happens to people who don’t drink or gamble?”

Insurance Joke

When I bought my new car, I called my insurance broker to fill out a new application. He asked me if I have any traffic accidents on my record? I replied,” no, except someone once hit me!” So he snaps, “well that’s a accident!” I snap back, “no, the guy did it on purpose!!!”

Learners Permit Joke

My 16 year old son was getting his permit, so I kept telling him, “remember, when you get into your car with friends do not start driving until everyone is strapped in.” He kept on asking me to repeat it, so finally I asked him, “ why do you need it repeated so many times?” “Don’t worry” he replied, “I just love hearing the words ‘your car’! “

Basketball Joke

As I was wheeling this guy into the operating room, I could tell he was really out of it. I asked him if he knew the day of the week. He didn’t. ” Well maybe you know what season it is?” He looked at me. “Basketball?

X - Ray Machine joke

I work in a hospital giving tours to children. One day a group of kindergarten kids came in for a tour, I showed them the x-ray machines and asked them if they ever had broke a bone? One little boy raised his hand, “I did!” “Did it hurt?” I asked. “No!” She replied. “Wow, you must be a very brave girl! Which bone did you break?” I asked. “My sisters arm!”

Broken Finger Joke

Little Jackie complained non-stop from pain. His desperate mother took him to see his doctor. “What is hurting him?” the doctor asked her. “Just help him,” she replied, “he hurts all over!” “What do you mean, all over?” asked the doctor, “be a little more specific. “The women touched her son’s left knee with his index finger and her son yelled, “Ow, that hurts!”  Then she touched his right eye and again he yelled, “Ouch! That hurts, too. Then she touched his nose with his finger and again he cried in pain. The doctor thought for a moment and told the poor mother her little son’s diagnosis, “he has a broken finger!”

Old man joke

As a doctor for older people I thought I had heard it all until one day a older fella walked in and told me he has big problems. So I told him not to worry about a thing, I said let me guess, “You’re having problems peeing in the morning?” “No,” he replied. ” I do it like clock work, every morning at 9 o’clock.” “OK, so it must be you’re having trouble with the bowel movements?” I questioned. ” No,” he tells me. ” I do it every morning at 9:30 like clock work.” So I said, “alright, you stumped me.” He tells me, “the problem is I sleep till 10!!!”

What if?

THAT'S AWSOME!!

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