Pay up!

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."

Get Away!

I had a huge picture of my mother-in-law hanging on the refrigerator. When my friend Tom came over and saw the picture, he asked me, “You really like her that much?” I replied, “No, I’m just trying to keep the kids away!”

Millionaire Joke

A 70-year-old millionaire got married to a 25-year-old pretty girl. His friend asked him, “How did you do that? How much did it cost you?” He replied, “Nothing, I told her I was 95!”

FUNNY

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"

One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher

25 Cent Football Joke

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterwards, he asked her how she liked the game.  “I liked it, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents,” She said.  “What do you mean?” he asked.  “Well, everyone kept yelling, “Get the quarter back!’”

Homeless Man Joke

A man walks out of a bar and sees a homeless man on the corner. And the homeless man says, “Sir, can you spare a buck?” The man thinks about the question for a bit and asks, “If I give you a buck, are you going to use it to buy a beer or vodka?” “No, he replies.” The man then asks, “If I give you a buck are you going to gamble it away?” “No, he replies.” So the man says, “Come with me and I’ll give you the buck.”  He takes the homeless man home and tells his wife , “See what happens to people who don’t drink or gamble?”